pleasant warm weird blanket

Okay I know it's weird and it's weird weird weird but I'm just so charmed by the Duggar Family on 18 Kids and Counting. Or is it 19? 20?

The first two seasons are on Netflix Instant and I can't help but watch it. There is something so so pleasant about them. It's like wrapping up in a blanket. I think it's the Mom's soft spoken voice. Maybe it's because the young kids seem so smart and wise. Ugh. It's a weird, warm blanket.

I'm not really sure what their religion is. I'm not really a religious person but growing up that way makes me not feel too alienated from them. For being part of such a seemingly strict religion they don't seem too uptight. They also aren't very preachy, either. I feel like who they show themselves as on camera is really, truly who they are. I hope there isn't a dark side to them that isn't aired because I need them to always be this pleasant.

Maybe they kill small bunnies for fun?

So, don't judge me. I've also been watching Toddlers and Tiaras. The opposite of The Duggar family.

tween dressing

here is a pic of me in my new dress posing super awkwardly for the camera.

Yesterday I went shopping with one of my best girlfriends, Janey. We were excited to go to a mall where there was a Forever 21 and were even more excited when we discovered it had a Delia's and a Charlotte Russe.

What is not exciting: spending most of the time realizing I just may be too old to shop at these stores. Or, if I'm not too old now I'm getting there.

Forever 21 was a crazy madhouse. I became too overwhelmed with the loud music and abundance of teens running around going "Ohhhh myyy goddddddddd, that like, looks, so good on you." I felt awkward and ugly.

Being in those stores makes me feel like I was young again and not fitting in with the popular girls. Even though I'm sure no one looked twice at me I was so incredibly self-conscious. I bought nothing at Forever 21 because unfortunately I'm not a size extra small. Why does that size exist?

We went to Delia's and I instantly felt nostalgic. When I was a teen I was always excited for the new Delia's catalog to come out. I relished in dressing trendy and even though it still didn't make me fit in at school I didn't care. Delia's clothes made me feel cool in the sea of Tommy Hilfiger tees and tapered jeans. The girls working at Delia's looked closer to my age but the clothes were obviously for tweens. The workers were dressed up in a way that sort of felt desperate. It was like they went to classes to study how teens dress and talk now and they instantly became part of that world. "These coats are a wicked deal right now," one of them informed me as she said me up for a dressing room. I didn't know what to say so I put on my teen voice and said, "cooooool!"

I bought a coat because it was a wicked deal. It's just a little too small but whatever. Wicked is wicked.

Last store I went to was Charlotte Russe and I found some great dresses. I bought two of them despite my wallet shaking it's nearly empty head at me. They are cute and I will wear them often.

So the ride home Janey and I were talking about people who aren't really into clothes and we talked about "adult" clothes and I don't mean like porn clothes, but just clothes you imagine parents wearing. It really made me wonder when I have to start wearing parent clothes. Eventually I may have to stop shopping at Charlotte Russe but when? I already feel silly being there but I love the clothes. I don't know the meaning of casual clothes and I've never been a business suit type of girl. Is the fact that I'm an artist making it okay for me to still dress the way I do?

Okay okay, I'm only twenty-seven. I realize I can wear the clothes I'm wearing right now without looking like a desperate cougar but how long can I do that? And what do I wear? I think maybe I can eventually switch to the Gap. I can't afford Gap now but that seems like a reasonable step up from Forever 21.

Is it too much to just want to wear beautiful party dresses every day of my life?

Maybe after this is all written I realize it's okay to dress the way I dress and as I age, my tastes will naturally evolve. Or maybe when I'm fifty years old I'll still be shopping at Forever 21 and saying "suck it" to all the haters.

editor's note: my mom informed me I'm actually 28. Obviously I'm in denial.

Classy Rapping

In some ways it feels like I only started this blog so I could talk about the new Kanye West/ Jay-Z duo and that may be true. My other blog, A Beautiful Party, is a place for me to talk (sometimes complain) about art but this is a new forum for me to talk about other things on my mind that don't quite fit into the artsy category. Like H.A.M.

As soon as I heard that Kanye and Jay-Z were making a song together, just the two of them, I really expected something absolutely epic, dripping in gold. So when I first previewed it on Itunes I was a little bit unimpressed.

Many people are usually shocked to hear how into rap I am. More often than not I have a rap song streaming through my head. I am not into rapping for ironic reasons. I just genuinely appreciate it, I love the passion.

Anyway back to H.A.M. When I was previeiwing it I wasn't into it but as soon as I heard Jay-Z I knew right away I was going to download it. Now I can't stop listening to it. It reminds me of old school rap, it feels really stripped down. There isn't a one-hit-wonder 80s song being sampled through it like so many songs are, there also isn't a million people singing on it including an ironic indie singer (ahem... Bon Iver, Monster). I think they may have even left out the autotune which is so rare these day.

Oh yeah, and then there is some operatic music streaming through. As soon as I heard that I was like, "Of course. Yes, of course Kanye would put this in his song." The thing about Kanye is a lot of people hate him because he's so cocky and arrogant but I think that's the reason to like him. He's like that friend you have with the over-inflated ego. You roll their eyes but at the end of the day they are still the Jack Donaghy to your Liz Lemon.

I imagine a conversation between Kanye and Jay-Z went like this:

K: I want us to do a song together, just the two of us. Something classy but subtle.

J: You want to be subtle?

K: Classy subtle. Like, rapping, but some opera in it. Opera will make it classy. But we'll keep it tough by calling the song H.A.M.

J: Ham? Like the meat?

K: No, H.A.M., hard as a mother f******. You know, so people will remember we are tough. The opera will make it classy tough.

J: Ham? Like the meat? It just makes me think of sandwich meat.

K: No trust me. It will be classy.

And it is classy, and it makes me want a sandwich. And I love it.

I do not think the song is doing as amazing as Kanye's ego thinks it is on the billboards. It's definitely a change from a lot of his other stuff. What are your thoughts?